Be change.

I'm just recently thinking about this quote.
"Be the change you wanna see in the world."
I wrote this on my leg when I was bored. The next day in school my best friend asked me: "Which change do you wanna see?"
I said what I always say: "You can read it, but don't talk to me about it."
Why did I not want to answer?
The first reason was of course, because I wanted to piss her a little off by saying it, because she's my best friend and I love her. To almost everything what I write and she asks me about is this sentence the answer.
But the second reason is and I'm not proud to say it, that I don't really know what I want to see.
It's not easy for me to say what comes up to my mind first.
And even if I know what I want to see, even if I know what should be different, even then, I'm to afraid to say it out loud. I'm afraid, someone could expect me to do exactly that change.
I know the change which should be made, but I'm afraid to give up everything to make this change possible.
Am I even allowed to say such a quote, when I'm not even there to put it in practice?
I shouldn't be the one who says it. I should be the one who hears it.

ツツツ

An argument.

It was yesterday when I had a huge argument with one of my friends. I have to mention that we don't know each other for so long, but my friendship to him really means something to me, because we telling each other so much. It's weird about our friendship that even tho we just know each other for a short time, we argue really much. It's because of the different opinions we have. About every single topic. It's like we have nothing in common so we argue about everything. Except some movies... :)
But yesterday it was different. It wasn't about one of these normal little fights which we have every day. It was more. But it's kinda unsolvable because he is so obstinate. He won't change his mind ever about it. It made me so mad.
That's the story, but the worst are my feelings, because I felt like he doesn't care about me at all. It's terrible.
I choose to ignore him, but it's not easy to ignore someone when he's not trying to talk to you. I mean, it's kinda easy, but it's too easy. I wanted it to be so hard. But I guess that's what makes it so hard.
I'm thinking about it every hour.

Why do they lie?

There was a day. A long time ago. When you told your really first lie. 

I knew you were lying. It was funny.

There is a time. Now. Right now. And I'm sick of all your stupid lies.

I don't know when you're lying. I hate it.

Why do you expect honesty, when you gave so much shit?

You don't have the right to expect any true sentence. No one.

I'm wondering if you still feel the feeling when you lie. I feel guilty when I don't let anyone know about the truth. Maybe you stopped to feel guilty.

Maybe it became the reality, not the exception.

I don't know if you're are aware of the consequences. 

Lying is wrong for a reason. The reason is: You hurt someone if you don't tell the truth.

▒▒▒

We changed.

In those days back then, we thought differently. We saw the mistakes which people do. We always said, we would never become these people. We said it's wrong and we knew it.

We changed.

Now, it's fun. We laugh about them, who refuse to act like we do. We call it YOLO when we do mistakes, because we don't want to take responsibility for our fateful deeds.
We would judge ourselves if we weren't us.

We say it's meant to be, because we don't wanna change the path we choose.
What if we got the wrong direction? What if we are becoming worse, not better?
We forgot to try to do the right thing. We said, we are doing wrong anyway. We said everyone makes mistakes, so it's fine.
We started to brag with our mistakes. We are proud to do wrong.

Maybe not all of us. But me.

☼☼☼

I didn't wanna leave you. All of you.

I still miss you sometimes.

And by sometimes I don't mean that I forget you the other time.

I just mean that sometimes, I really wish you could be here, next to me.

And I wished you could tell me your opinion about everything.

I wished you could tell me what you think, so that I could tell you how I think. Probably we would start arguing about it, but I miss it.

I miss every second we spent together. 

Sometimes, when my life just happens, then I wish you could be with me and we could have the fun together. Because it would be more fun with you. It would be nicer and better. 

I guess I just need to figure out to live without the most amazing things, I ever had and instead I should be thankful that I got them once.

But sometimes I just wish you could just lie with me and just forget the world.

♥♥♥

I wish you were here!

"Didn't think about it, just went with it
You're always there, you're everywhere
But right now I wish you were here." - Avril Lavigne

When you are not around me, it's like a part of me is missing.

When you're not there, I'm not complete.

♥♥♥

The Truth.

The Truth is that I'm more hurt than all of you thought.
I know I acted as a strong person, but you don't know that I'm not.
I've tried to not show my tears. And whenever you saw them I said it's fine and I laughed about myself crying.
But actually the TRUTH is: I'm not laughing. I pulled up the corners of my mouth.
I said I'm so thankful for what I got, but actually that's just one side. It's what I'm trying to let you think of me.
Because I don't want you to think I'm weak. Because being weak is letting all of you know that I feel the pain.
I said I don't worry about it. But I do. Not exactly about what happened, but about what it does to the ones I love.
It's hard to be hurt, but it's even harder to not let anyone know about it.
It's hard to cry, but even worse to hide it.
But I can't tell anyone. Because when I tell someone, they feel with my for a day. They forget about it. And as soon as they forget about it, they think I forgot about it too. But I don't.
I live with it every day.
While you are telling me about your problems, I start worrying about you. I feel sad for you. Just because deep in myself I still think I'm strong enough to get along with it alone, but you need my help.
So I'm gonna make the smile on your face and tell you that it makes me happy, too.

Every time I think back to it, I want to scream. But my voice fails.

Problems

So I think we're doing a huge mistake in our society these days.
It's the way we think about problems. Well... I should rather say, the way we talk about them.
Fact is: We talk about our problems instead of solving them.
Because we are taught that we should never change for anyone. So we won't change ourselves. We'd never do that, because of course we think we are right.
On the other site: We hate everyone. Not literally hate, but the little hate we feel whenever someone does something, we don't like.
Instead of solving problems by changing anyone's behavior or by trying something new, we are just being the same old person who we always were. We tell our problems our friends. We gossip about someone who is not like we want them. And if anyone tells us about our mistakes we just say: I will never change myself for anyone.
What's wrong with us?

♥♥♥

Love Letter: The first one

Once someone, a boy, wrote a letter to a girl. She wrote a letter back:

Boy,
I don't know what to say. I read your letter. Now I read both of them and I can't even say which one made me more cry. They are both so cute. So cute, that it just made me cry even more. You know, you always say "you have to get over this", but I don't want to get over this alone. I know you said "Life is there for being happy", but I just wished I could be happy with you. My face probably looks like crap, because tears are rolling down on from my eyes. I miss you so much. And it will never be the same.
[...]
You can be proud of me. I didn't cry for at least 15 minutes. Good right? But my face still looks super bad, because it is red and my hair is messed up because i didn't crush it and my eyes hurt, but I have a smile on my face. You know why? Because I'm happy I know you. And I'm so happy about every single word you wrote to me in the letter.
I have to go now. So bye, have fun... and I still love you. Smile!
Girl♥

But she never send it.

I'm done.

I'm done. Done waiting for everyone to give the love back. 

They are just answering questions, not starting to talk. 

And I have to live with it.

Who's there when I need them?