The blame

I want to tell you the truth. The whole long lasting truth? No. Just a secret from my diary. A secret about what I'm thinking about. Something you maybe can identify with. Just maybe. Maybe it's the truth. Maybe it's a lie. But the uncertainty keeps it so mysterious...

Diary. My mistake.
I was asking myself why am I still awake? Why is it so hard to sleep? But actually i knew exactly why I couldn't sleep. It was all my fault. It was something i did on my own that didn't let me sleep. I hated myself. I hated myself when I did it and I still did it because i didn't want to stop it in that moment. I wanted to wring. For purpose. Something that felt so wrong. Guilt.i knew, I could get forgiveness for it. It was fine. But I worried much more about myself. Why did i do something, something I would judge everyone else for.

You always look at me like I'm so perfect. You think I'm doing no mistakes? You think I don't regret anything. Some of you think I just do what I want. You think I just follow my dreams and get my goals. You say I always get what i want. 

But no. No. I do mistakes too. Everyone, if one knows or not, has a weakness. All of us have at least one. And mine is just something special. I feel bad about when I always judge everyone else. I decided if it was right or wrong what you did. I always remember your mistakes. Every mistake. But now it's me. You know, it's hard to say you did wrong. It's hard to blame yourself for something. It's my fault - hard sentence.
I  regret. I did wrong. But I'm afraid of something else. Something stays. The fear of my weakness. What if it comes back and I will do the same mistake again? What keeps me from doing the same again?

♥♥♥